By Shane Dempsey, ARC Partner
I often hear clients say their conflict “came out of nowhere.” Yet once they begin telling their story, it becomes clear the issues have been simmering; sometimes for years, sometimes for decades.This is especially true in disputes between family members, friends, and long?standing colleagues. A shareholder dispute can be every bit as emotionally charged as an acrimonious divorce.
There are many paths into conflict, but one well?worn path is when a person finally learns to say “No.”
“No” is a complete sentence.
“No” is a boundary.
And for many people, “no” is the first sign they feel unheard, unseen, or taken for granted.
But for some, “no” has always been dangerous or inaccessible.
– Attachment wounds: When childhood caregiving was inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive, saying no may once have led to punishment, shame, or harm.
– Highly sensitive or neurodivergent individuals: Deep processing, empathy, and overwhelm can make another person’s reaction to “no” feel frightening or destabilising.
– Autistic clients with demand-avoidant profiles: A reactive “no” may be followed by intense guilt and a compensatory “yes,” even when it’s against their interests.
– People with no ethnocultural or familial model for refusal: In communities shaped by trans-generational disadvantage or institutional abuse, “no” may never have been modelled as safe.
Then one day, something happens; an injury, a betrayal, a final straw; the word “no” escapes their mouth. It detonates. Relationships built on lifelong acquiescence suddenly feel unsafe. Old patterns no longer hold. These clients often need therapeutic support to understand that they are allowed to reject behaviours and beliefs misaligned with their values. They are learning, often in mid?life or later, what many people experiment with in adolescence: rebellion, autonomy, self?definition.
Self-determination, in these cases, begins with discovering the self. Their values, their boundaries, their voice. Making a major decision for the first time can be terrifying. Leaving a marriage. Walking away from a “good” job. Anticipating regret. Interpreting setbacks as punishment. Trying to stay in motion like Goethe’s Faust, afraid to look back.
But introspection is essential. Discernment requires reflection. And with the right support, I’ve seen life begin again at any age. A life with boundaries. A life aligned with values. A life that sometimes begins with a single, unfairly-stigmatised and long overdue word:
No
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I often hear clients say their conflict “came out of nowhere.” Yet once they begin telling their story, it becomes clear the issues have been simmering; sometimes for years, sometimes for decades.This is especially true in disputes between family members, friends, and long?standing colleagues. A shareholder dispute can be every bit as emotionally charged as an acrimonious divorce.
There are many paths into conflict, but one well?worn path is when a person finally learns to say “No.”
“No” is a complete sentence.
“No” is a boundary.
And for many people, “no” is the first sign they feel unheard, unseen, or taken for granted.
But for some, “no” has always been dangerous or inaccessible.
– Attachment wounds: When childhood caregiving was inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive, saying no may once have led to punishment, shame, or harm.
– Highly sensitive or neurodivergent individuals: Deep processing, empathy, and overwhelm can make another person’s reaction to “no” feel frightening or destabilising.
– Autistic clients with demand-avoidant profiles: A reactive “no” may be followed by intense guilt and a compensatory “yes,” even when it’s against their interests.
– People with no ethnocultural or familial model for refusal: In communities shaped by trans-generational disadvantage or institutional abuse, “no” may never have been modelled as safe.
Then one day, something happens; an injury, a betrayal, a final straw; the word “no” escapes their mouth. It detonates. Relationships built on lifelong acquiescence suddenly feel unsafe. Old patterns no longer hold. These clients often need therapeutic support to understand that they are allowed to reject behaviours and beliefs misaligned with their values. They are learning, often in mid?life or later, what many people experiment with in adolescence: rebellion, autonomy, self?definition.
Self-determination, in these cases, begins with discovering the self. Their values, their boundaries, their voice. Making a major decision for the first time can be terrifying. Leaving a marriage. Walking away from a “good” job. Anticipating regret. Interpreting setbacks as punishment. Trying to stay in motion like Goethe’s Faust, afraid to look back.
But introspection is essential. Discernment requires reflection. And with the right support, I’ve seen life begin again at any age. A life with boundaries. A life aligned with values. A life that sometimes begins with a single, unfairly-stigmatised and long overdue word:
No